#(also i am in a history class rn but we don't mind that)

[apricusapollo]

leia and din about luke

[soulfullofold]

continuing from previous post but uuuuuuuu not sure if this is remotely interesting to people but i'm taking a ceramics class rn and it's consumed my life completely

i'm out of university so i am auditing it. which has its own unique challenges of working full time + missing work for class + having to put in so many extra & odd hours in the studio to get assignments done. it's really nice to be in an academic setting again. I never actually took an art class in college...well...I took a 300lvl Art History class and tecchhhnically an ART class but focused on motion picture / film so not a proper studio art class with critique and studio hours. it's a nice new experience is my point. I was signed up for wheel throwing but they had to split the class into two sections so I got put in hand building instead (so that the actual students could take wheel LOL). it's fine; i really don't mind hand building. but we're starting from scratch scratch and i'm like. I just want to make weird sculptures not tiles but i understand and respect the progression of the class.

i'm pretty proud of what i'm making (even with the railroady assignments) and i really like our professor. she's really good about involving students in more complex things if they ask, and i love to ask. like please teach me how to make your own glaze and how to load / unload the kiln...

today i was sitting at my work desk just daydreaming about how to continue doing this after this class. i know ceramics is expensive as hell but it's also like. not That bad all things considered. like clay isn't too too bad, and you can recycle a lot of it from your tools and messed up projects. even if you have like. 1-2 glazes that you return to over and over again, it helps establish your identity as an artist so there's no need to have like a bajillion different options necessarily, as nice as it would be. even a wheel isn't required since you can hand build everything. a slab roller would be nice and so would a K I L N but you know how it is. studio membership is pretty expensive but at least i could have access to these things if needed. anyways i went on kilnshare and the nearest kiln to me is ~2 hours away. but i stalked the lady who ran the studio and learned all about her LOL (she shares prolifically on FB). And it's just....yeah i dunno. it would be cool to keep it up if I could.

But also I know I have a tendency to throw my entire self into whatever I do, no matter how mundane it is. So I'm like. Okay do we REALLY need to deep dive into all of this ceramics stuff and try and source a kiln and clay and build a studio (whaaaat)? I've literally been doing this for 3 or 4 weeks. What Gives. Cool The Jets. I did this with screen printing and block printing and embroidery to a lesser extent and it's just...I'm not in a place to afford RENT why am I like 👀 oh let's see if anyone is selling their used $5k kiln haa haa. Don't worry. I will definitely have a place for it and be able to literally power it with enough electricity.

I really enjoy sculpting and I think the ability to make Functional art is very very cool. And to produce it relatively easier (compared to a painting which is...a huge huge time sink for not a lot of replicable effort imo). I'm also happier experimenting with sculpture than I am with paint, I dunno. It's a different brain space to me.

The clay dust must be congealing in my brain. Clown Brain is a very accurate title; it's like clown lung but for my art-related decision making. I guess I'm just in the honeymoon stage with ceramics. I really am enjoying it very much, even if I do sometimes have to spend 14 hours straight in the studio to get projects done or come in multiple times per day or whatever. And it's literally just the most simple hand building projects that I just like to make crazy complicated for fun.

Yesterday and today I made 100 pinch pots :) Mugs are SOON since we learn handles tomorrow. mother of god it's all real. once my tiles are through the glaze firing, i will post them. also i found out someone's project blew up and took mine out with it in the bisque. i spent like 40 hrs on that thang. Great. but i'm trying to stay positive.

AND . sorry this is so rambly i'm just on little sleep and many thoughtless hours hunched over a banding wheel. and it has been nice, i think, to just make art i want to make again. (holds my hands out like spongebob about to be squished) I MEAN like . non arpg personal art. just like. yeah i want to draw a hill with a distant figure on it. no it's not an oc and no i don't have to score it for points and no i don't have to show or explain it to literally anyone. like i'm enjoying experimenting with subject matter that i like outside of twwm / esk after my fallout from exiting staff. also that is a whole other can of worms i am still processing so if you know me from that space, i am very sorry for the sudden change and for the little to no explanation for the sake of being professional but you can dm me and we can talk about it if you're curious. i don't hold any ill will for the game and i'm so happy that people are still enjoying it and their characters outside of me but man i have had experiences and many many thoughts.

okay that snuck in outta nowhere YAY sculpting YAY someone stop me from trying to randomly derail my life and create a pottery studio in the backyard i don't own

[emeritus-fuckers]

Hiii, I'd like to request a match up !!

First of all, sorry if it's written weird, English is not my first language and I'm in need of a few days of sleep lmao :') also this is very long because I have no idea how to write concisely to save my life, so, sorry for your eyes? brain? Idk but sorry

1 - I'm AFAB genderqueer, might be a demigirl ? idk gender is confusing. anyways, I use any pronouns because I'm extra like that lmao, and I prefer my sexuality to stay unlabelled for now

2 - Papas !! (they're so silly I love them)

3 - I'm rather small (163cm/5'4") and kinda pudgy. I would not say I'm plus size but I'm definitely thicker than average, especially around my hips and thighs (stretch marks n cellulite gang WYA). I used to be very insecure about it but thankfully I got better at loving myself (still working on it but I'll get there eventually). I'm also getting a tattoo on my upper left arm very soon (inspired by Kafka's Metamorphosis because yes) and hopefully some more piercings (I only have triple lobe for now). my hair's light brown and very short, I buzzed it back in August and I'm growing it out. Yes, I do have a terrible case of bed head. I also trim my eyebrows to be very short, makes it easier to do my makeup. Almost forgot to talk about my eyes, but basically they're blue-ish green and usually overshadowed by the huge dark circles I have. I don't dress according to one particular style, although I enjoy being in full goth fashion, makeup and all. I would probably describe my style by 'satanic grandma' because as much as I love my band shirts and inverted crosses, I also cannot live without my extensive collection of grandpa sweaters and ugly ties.

4 - I'm an introvert - and an awkward anxious ball of nerves at that, but I don't mind stepping up to the task in social situations if the people I'm with are not comfortable ordering food/asking a question. I usually am very cautious of how I act with new people I meet as I am autistic and don't want to 'scare them off' or make them uncomfortable. However, if we vibe, you get to know the still anxious but also very silly me. I especially love coming across other people that are on the spectrum, because we usually have a certain understanding of each other's way of acting and just be silly together. Speaking from experience with my closest friends, at least (not generalizing autistic people !!).

5 - I've been hyperfixating on Ghost for a good while now, but apart from that I'm very much interested in art. Learning about it of course, but also making it (I'm in art prep class rn and it's kicking my ass, send help). Drawing, writing, taking photos, making zines and stuff... hopefully after prep class I can get into a proper art school and study illustration, and maybe look into becoming a graphic novel author. My favorite artists would probably be Dora Maar, Gustave Doré and Gustav Klimt tbh. I also have an interest in geopolitics and history, especially in the Middle Ages' witch hunts and black death, but also in more recent topics such as the satanic panic. Basically all things occult and satanic. I also love internet horror media such as ARGs, like My house.wad or the Hypnagogic Archive. Music taste wise, I listen to everything, but my favorite genres are hard rock and metal. I'd say my all time fav artists are Ghost, Slayer (South of Heaven walked so that Year Zero could run, change my mind), Iron Maiden, SOAD, Twin Temple, Radiohead, alex g and Mitski.

6 - I'm a huge cat person but I also very much love crows and rats and reptiles and overall all the animals that would seem weird to keep as pets. Also I love love LOVE having deep conversations about complicated philosophical topics at night in a calm spot at a party or smth, specifically while drinking off-brand soda. Idk why I included this, I just thought of it and I'm too tired to question how my sleep deprived brain thinks right now.

Sorry again for the huge wall of text, y'all are the best !

Have a good day/night !!

This post is part of the 1000 followers match up event. Entries for the event are now closed.

Your match is...Copia

He's all for helping you love yourself, he'll kiss any part of your body you are insecure about and everyday he tells you how amazing you look. The thing that really makes it work is that he means it, you can see the sincerity in his expression.

He can also be an awkward anxious bundle of nerves. But what is so cute is that both of you try and step up for the other in social situations. You see Papa Emeritus IV come out a lot at those times.

You vibed immediatly with him it was just an instant connection. He just got you, and you him. He treasures that so much.

He will help all he can with your art class prep. Like whatever you need. If you want him to just keep you company he's there, if you need models he'll get his rats to pose with him (it's just adorable). Or if you need to work super hard he'll bring you food and drinks to keep you going.

Sometimes he joins you but drawing isn't his strongest skill so it's a good giggle, he can laugh at his mistakes and he enjoys seeing you smile at them. Other times he'll sit and write songs as you work, he wrote one about you just the other day.

He got so excited when he found out you had an interest in the middle ages, witch hunts and black death. He literally squeaked with joy and you discussed it long into the night, while drinking lots of off-brand soda.

He also finds some really cool books for you to read from the clergy library, occult, satanic panic and so on, it's all there.

~

Written by Nyx

[infatuatedheloise]

ok forgive me for my less active posting, finals are next week and dead week is absolutely killing me this semester 😭

anyway! I said I'd talk about this later and then never said anything lol so here I am

on my close friends insta story, I talked about past experiences with older men trying to go after me and mentioned a classmate I had last semester who was 48 and just generally kinda weird

I went to abelard's office the next day basically to say thank you for dealing with my anxiety the other day about my outfit and I said "I know I probably crossed a couple lines.." and he shook his head and said it was fine, then said "it was incredible...you say things that--you can be so quiet, but then you say things about things that might be weird and I don't think I could do that" which he's told me something similar before but it was interesting to hear it again

anyway, then he was like, "I'll ask something that is maybe inappropriate" (I was like😲😲😲 🤨🤨🤨 what is he gonna ask??) he lowered his voice and asked "who is this guy that-" (asking about the classmate I had mentioned)

I explained that he def didn't know him, and then I explained the whole story/my experiences with this guy (don't really wanna retell that here rn) and abelard was grimacing and cringing at all the stuff that this guy did. I finished talking and he said "at least it's good fodder for a story" and when I didn't really react he said "is that inappropriate to say?" I said no it was fine to joke about it lol

Since we were on the topic, I told him about my experiences with a coworker I once had and again abelard was totally disgusted by the stuff this guy did/said.

Then he said, "Well, I'm glad you never had any experiences with our colleague" I asked who he meant and when he told me I said "oh..hm, yeah" which obviously made him curious so I explained that this other professor had given me weird vibes, I caught him staring at my chest a lot, and he once said something to me about my face/appearance when I didn't wear a mask to class, so nothing serious but I just had a feeling. I said, "it's really good to know that [he has a history of being gross with students] though"

I also told him a joke that I like to make after these experiences with the coworker and classmate: "my ability to pull middle aged men is insane" and he laughed so hard at that like threw back his head laughing hahaha, then I told him the joke like "i thought 39 [coworker's age] was bad, god said try 48 [clasmate's age]" which he also thought was funny.

he said "But we're in the clear now?" I said "yeah, no middle aged men trying to go after me" then he said, "yeah, any 50 year olds-" and stopped himself to ask, "Is that ok to say?" because not only was he joking about me being harassed by older men, but also joking about the progressing age gaps LOL I thought it was so funny

Also I was a little embarrassed during this whole convo because 1. I have a crush on him 2. he is an older, middle aged man and here I was talking about older, middle aged men harassing me 😭😭😭 he thought it was fine though and didn't mind talking about it

[petzel]

15 questions, 15 mutuals

tagged by: @yellowjckets THANK U I LOVE UUUU!!!!

1. are you named after anyone?

nope! well, actually one of my middle names is my grandpa's name, so i'm named for my grandpa!

2. when was the last time you cried?

last night, because cam bought me a necklace at target that hit me in a very emotionally vulnerable spot. i cry just about every single day though (i am a weeper from a long line of weepers and all that)

3. do you have kids?

i do not, but cam and i desperately want them. we are currently planning for one about 5 yrs 🫣 which is frightening but also very exciting. we're crazy too, like we already have a lot of baby clothes and cam's mom is handing down her cloth diapers and stuff. all very exciting!

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

i don't, but i am someone who struggles to understand sarcasm haha so i also struggle to use it properly.

5. what sports do you play/have you played?

i have never played sports lol. i wanted to play hockey very badly as a child (and still now), but it's expensive so i couldn't. i was told i should do track & field (specifically shotput) but i didn't want to. now i have a mild interest in dogsports, haha. i like LGRA, dock diving, rally o, and treibball.

6. what's the first thing you notice about people?

i agree with emmy about vibes, i feel like the first thing i notice is whether someone like. SEEMS nice or not.

7. what is your eye color?

like a t15/t17 on that 1998 eye color chart thing

8. scary movies or happy endings?

oh i loveee scary movies. i actually love both but horror is forever my angel

9. any special talents?

ehhh i have near limitless patience and have a decent beginner's mind? don't really think those are special talents, but hey. i can also touch my nose to my tongue i guess haha

10. where were you born?

my hometown is ann arbor, michigan. love that place forever and ever.

11. what are your hobbies?

drawing, cooking, (doing hw is not a hobby but i was in college for 4 semesters in a row and had no time for anything), dog training, photography (analog & digital), reading poetry, listening to the radio, spending time with my husband.

12. do you have pets?

yes! i have a 15 year old orange cat named buggy, and a 1 year old black and white spaniel mix named winston!

13. how tall are you?

5'4 🤫

14. favorite subject?

in grade school it was english and history, but in college, i loveee any of my classes that are actually about my major, fish & wildlife. i loved my lab last fall semester, and i'm really excited for horticulture lab this fall.

15. dream job?

mannnn who knows. i currently work at a botanical garden, which is good enough for me in the meantime! i'd like maybe some sort of labwork about birds, bc i liked working in the fish lab so much, but i also really enjoy my current staff team and i like more public facing work, so it's very up in the air rn.

TAGGING: @pepprs @centralpark1981 @romansmartini @dubwoofer @starw1sh @spelldealer @riskrov @snartled @evilsufjanstevens - all with absolutely zero pressure, i just see you all in my notifs and love you dearly be well dear mutuals

[getrebloggedidiot]

Yeah, the school system happened to make an 8 y/o me have suicidal thoughts because of how bad it worsened my depression+anxiety just by being there, you can imagine how I bad it was when my depression got bad enough that I had suicidal thoughts outside of school

Even now that I'm on mood stabilizers, I still feel like vomiting due to anxiety before going there

I can't fathom somebody thinking school is better than a job but maybe that's just because I don't fit the ridged and complex cookie cutter of who the school system benefits

I have done EVERYTHING in my power to help me succeed in spite of all my disorders, and half my work is still submitted late because I can't get it done in school, before I got my rose colored glasses (I dont mean that metaphorically. They are literal glasses with rose colored lenses that were prescribed by my eye doctor) I would get migranes from the lights they have there

And I have an idea how a job compares to school

I volunteer at an art studio during the summer to help with the summer camps, the oldest a kid can be and still go to those is 12

And I can say that I prefer diffusing drama between kids refusing to stop calling one of them big John (the kids name isn't John and that kid is also pretty small) and the one getting called big John being very visibly upset over school

That place literally flooded to the point that my shoes were soaked one day! I had to help push the water out of the garage door in the back to minimize it. I had to go into the littler little kids' classroom and put the pillows up on top of the loft thing, mind you, that's the room that cockroaches like to get to and more than once on of the soggy fluffy pillows (one of the worst textures ever) only to discover there was a cockroach on it. I'm pretty sure we spent what would've been the first hours of the class, just trying to keep the water away from the lobby and the carpet + kids. And I prefer that to school! At least that'll look good on my resume in a way that isn't "Hey, I have the bare minimum thing a lot of jobs need!"

I have to be there by about 8 and goes to about 4-5, I can't remember the exact end time rn

Yeah, and I am American, I will never feel safe at school because I can know that all it takes is one sadistic monster or kid with SEVERE mental health issues getting their hands on a gun for me to potentially lose my life and all my friends because the government refuses to do anything about it

We've literally had an issue where someone falsely reported to the police that my school (and many others in the area) was getting shot up

Whoever thinks school is even somewhat healthy for kids in the slightest needs to get their brain checked because there are so many places I'd rather be than "hear a kid try to say slavery was okay because if the colonizers could beat them in a fight it was their right to enslave them" (actual thing said by a kid in my world history class) land

(notable reblogs from others under the cut, this was just a hate filled tangent)

[etheries1015]

jhfdbshb Yeaahhhh a five-hour history exam is wayyy too much for me 😭 I swear, fanfiction is one of the only things keeping me sane rn 💀

Admittedly, I'm not too confident to post the Lilia smut right now (I'm sure I will someday! I'm still working on it too, fkjgh), but I am confident enough to share a small snippet with you if you don't mind,,! 👀 👉👈

~~~

(For some context, Lilia ate some aphrodisiacs he and the reader made together, and the reader just walked in on him feeling the effects. Also, if Lilia sounds OOC, that's my bad, I'm trying to get used to writing his character 😭 I've also never written smut, so don't judge too harshly-)

Lilia looked completely dishevelled. His pink-streaked black hair was ruffled, as if he had been tossing and turning in his bed. His usual Diasomnia uniform had been tossed carelessly on the floor, though it seemed he didn’t bother taking off his black knee-high socks. Instead, he wore a sky-blue sweater that seemed far too big for him. The sleeves swallowed his arms and went past his hands, and the shoulder of the sweater had slipped down his arm. He was wearing one of their sweaters, (Name) realised in the back of their mind. His face was flushed, and if (Name) looked closely, the fae was trembling with anticipation. 

However, it was Lilia’s eyes that caught them off-guard the most. They could see the love, adoration, and infatuation he had for them, but most prominently of all, they saw a fervorous, intense lust swimming in his deep red eyes. 

Ah. So this was why Lilia made Sebek call them here.

(Name) blinked, staring at Lilia’s reddened face, and before they could stop themselves, their eyes trailed down from his face, to their sweater, until they landed on his legs. Though the socks covered most of his legs, his pale thighs were still exposed, the lime green candlelight highlighting the smoothness of his skin. When they looked closely, they could see the creamy-white evidence of his... exhilaration slowly dribbling down his slender thighs.

“Are you enjoying the view, dear?” Lilia asked, a mischievous smile spreading across his face. Though he teasingly tilted his head to the side, his deep scarlet eyes were fixated on his partner.

“Quite,” (Name) blurted before they could stop themselves. 

AHHHHHHH I LIKED THIS ALOT You do really well with the imagery of the scene, I can really see just how helpless he must look and flushed and pretty <3 Lilia still trying to act cocky even though he knows his state is truly dependent upon the reader...and reader being confident admitting full-heartedly they like what they are seeing. This entire scenario is SO GOOODD bro, I love how you picked aphrodisiacs. I feel like it's not often we see our old peepaw at the mercy of a potion and feeling the affects like this....hehehe. Please! If you finish it, I totally think you should post it! (and tag me *wink wink* ) of course, write at your pace! But this truly does have the foundation to be amazing.

On another note/side note, feel free to DM me if you ever wanna talk about writing, classes, or random stuff. I love making new friends! And you're pretty snazzy! My DM's are always open for that reason, heueheuheu.

[seiwas]

SLOWBURN IS ALWAYS SUCH A GOOD TROPE so nice to get lost in and build relationship (and develop feelings 👀) and aslfasdlkfjsdf slowburn i love slowburn

AND OMG COLLEGE AU'S now that i'm actually in uni now i have such a deep love for college au's like that is what keeps me going i'm ngl AND CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM JUST WAITING OUTSIDE THE BUILDING FOR YOUR CLASS TO END SO THAT YOU CAN EAT LUNCH TOGETHER??? or studying together (reminds me of another vid i saw but don't have saved this time where the bf tells his gf like babe i love you but there's no way you're passing this test AND I FEEL LIKE THAT IS SO IWA HAHAHAHAH) living together in college au's coming home to each other agh i love it

OH MY GOD THE BODYGUARD AND MAFIA AU'S this totally calls for iwa in like all formal wear and tattoo sleeves. yes. HE WOULD LOOK SO HOT and his piercing eyes as he glares down at anyone who even breathes near you

and speaking of bodyguard/mafia au's...... THE ROYALTY AU'S????? WITH HIM AS THE CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD OR READER'S PERSONAL GUARD OR KNIGHT OR SLDFKWOERJSLFJ god i'm such a sucker for royalty au's

and omg omg omg underground boxer iwa has my jaw on the FLOOR please this reminds kinda of that detective conan movie where ran's best friend (the korean name is bora but i can't remember the jp name lasjfalsjdf) has a bf and he KEPT THE BANDAID 'bora' GAVE HIM HE DIDN'T EVEN NEED ANYMORE AFTER THE CUT (or whatever wound it was) HEALED HE JUST KEPT IT BECAUSE IT WAS FROM HIS GF (bora)

when he's mid-match and he thinks of returning home to you in his mind and now any soreness or fatigue he felt moments earlier disappears and he's reinvigorated asdlfkasjdalskf and wins :,)

FWB IWA OMG okay i'm ngl i am so intrigued too CAN WE MAKE IT CLICHE AND HE WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN WITH YOU PLEASE CAN WE PLEASE (OR WHAT IF WE COMBINE LMFAO THE SLOWBURN FRIENDS TO FWB TO LOVERS when reader and iwa grew up together and reader's been crushing since middle school but iwa goes down a... different path and moves away but they're reunited at uni and he's so different from what reader remembers but he's still the same and when he makes a move reader doesn't hesitate to accept even with his... differences and yeah)

OIKAWA'S LITTLE SISTER SLDKFJSDFLSKFSF oikawa getting butthurt like 'do you come to see me or her' with that pout and crossed arms asldfasdflkjsf

koi... u r literally feeding our iwa brainrot rn PLS

same!!! i love slowburn a lot bc of how gradual and natural it feels 🥺 either that or just give me the established relationship alr 😭 i think i fall into either extremes shdfsjfa

YEA COLLEGE AUs!! oh koi he really would wait outside your building for you 😭 would drive you around if he had a car too 😭 and that vid u saw omFG HE RLLY WOULD SAY THAT while studying in the library and u're always distracted bc of him 🥹 but also... u r a Chronic Procrastinator, and every single time he watches the same cycle happen 😭 and he tries to get you through it each time 😭 being roommates would also be so so cute 🥹

YES EXACTLY U GET THE VISION 😭 iwa in a SUIT. my god. and the TATTOOS... i feel like i've read one before where it was seijoh4 and lET ME TELL U . I LITERALLYASBASDFB. iwa gives very guard dog energy and i think putting him into a bodyguard/mafia role would play into that a lot....

am familiar with detective conan but haven't watched so i am nodding along as i am reading what u said 😭😭😭 but that's so cute the concept of leaving the bandaid on even if it's healed 😭 i think he rlly would be the type to downplay injuries tho sjhdasj i think it comes with the fact that he's knowledgeable of how far he can push his limits 😭

koi. ofc we are making this fwb cliche. i can never be satisfied with an fwb if one of them doesn't fall helplessly in love with the other 😭 the slowburn friends to lovers and fwb is TORTURE oh my god 😭 the fact that there's so much /history/ there KOI PLS omg no YOU ARE SPARKING IDEAS FOR ME. PLSPSLPSLPS NOOOO. the fact that there's so much trust already established, and how reader is alr in love so will practically do anything with and for him 😭 oh gosh when he makes a move he better be SINCERE or else i will cry...

i think it could very much go in the direction of they accidentally kiss maybe and iwaizumi feels a little oh it's different, but he can't put his finger on it, only that he likes it. they talk about it obviously, but bc reader doesn't want to ruin anything, they say that it's no biggie! (even tho they're dying inside bc they're in love w him 😭), and tries to play it off by saying it was silly and fun! and iwaizumi, being the blunt man he is, literally says that he liked it and enjoyed, but reader takes it as him trying to hint at a kinda-fwb arrangement and not as a 'i could have feelings for you' type of thing 😭 (all just very miscomm) so. reader tells him that if he wants to keep doing it they can sahjdbjasd and so they do 😭😭😭 & of course somewhere down the line, iwa develops feelings but doesn't fully realise it...

UNTIL reader can't take it anymore, starts to drift from him, and he NOTICES and is confused, so confronts them and is straight up like: what's wrong, did i do something? and reader tries to deny it but iwa hates it so he's like: if you don't like spending time with me anymore, just tell me. it's okay. and reader is looks at him like r u srs rn... and says: i like spending time with you too much. that's the problem. and he's confused bc hOW CAN THAT BE A PROBLEM?? HE LIKES IT TOO...??? until reader sighs and drops it onto him: hajime i've been in love with you since we were kids. i thought doing this with you would be good because at least i'd get to have you, even if it's just like this, y'know? and iwaizumi stares back, expression unreadable and he doesn't say anything so reader shifts around, nervous, rambling: sorry i just disappeared on you, but it would have been unfair if i stuck around hiding that i always wanted more.

(sorry i keep switching between you/reader omg but i basically mean the same thing)

and he's just. like. really frustrated? bc it was real to him? and how could he have missed the fact that he didn't make it clear to you? that he was developing feelings too? how could he have possibly not communicated that? not made it obvious? so he goes: what if it was always more to me? and reader is like. what. WDYM. WHAT. and this guy... THIS GUYYYYY has the audacity to LAUGH bc of how confused ure looking rn AND IT'S ANNOYING bc even when your feelings are in a twist! and you're hurting! and aching! you're still so in love with him, especially when he looks like this. boyish smile, eyes crinkling, straight teeth peeking through the lips you still can't believe you've come to be familiar with. then he takes your hands, thumbs rubbing circles on your knuckles, before interlacing your fingers together. he looks up, dark peach blooming on his cheeks and olive green staring back at you: i love you too. sorry i didn't make it clearer, i thought you already knew. AND HE chuckles at it too and THAT LITTLE SMILE ON HIS FACE oh that little smile on his face mAKES YOU SO ANGRY and so!! SO!! so!!! relieved. and in love. shocked. enamoured by this boy in front of you you've loved your entire life.

tears well up in your eyes and you're trying so hard not to laugh and smile because you know that's what he wants, so you pout, and frown and tell him he's unfair, that it would have saved a lot of trouble if he told you earlier on. but he tells you the same, that you could have told him too and you just!! hate how smartass he is!! how he's right!! almost all the time!! so you playfully push him away only for him to pull you close. and you're against his chest as he hugs you tight and you can hear his heartbeat!!! how it beats loudly, a bit faster than his resting heart rate. then he whispers by your ear, vulnerable, raw: come back please, i miss you. and you hug him tighter, nodding, words insufficient for everything you feel right now.

AND I sorry it got so LONG OH MY GOD SDFBASDJFBASFBASJF koi u took me away w that one literally WROTE An idea duMP hJBDSJAFK but oikawa's little sister yEA ! he rlly would pout 😭 would try to give iwa shit for it maybe like the first 30 minutes after finding out 😭 tries to be all BIG BRO but iwa stares at him deadpan and is like: do you really think i'd hurt her and oikawa thinks about it, tries to rebut, but his mind blanks bc if there's anyone he CAN trust w his sister he knows it's iwa 🥺 then he resumes being the clingy bestfriend and big bro he is shdbfhgsadbjfask "u don't love me anymore u love iwa-chan more 🥺" PLSSHABDFJSFk

-- also koi i will respond to the reply u sent to my ask here just so everything is collated sjdbgajd --

i totally get what u mean by how u read x reader!! i don't really insert myself in x reader fics also sdfnjs i envision a blank person i think jhsdb (same with when i write x reader! i think of a blank person embellished with details i put abt them shdfbja like col reader!) but aaah i'm so glad you enjoyed reading it bb thank u so much u r soso sweet 🥹

[hunterxassasin]

Random q’s bc you’re bored and so am I lmao so have these lmao…

Favourite Disney character?

Favourite song from a show/movie?

Ibfs or irl’s? Which do you find easier/better? (You totally don’t have to answer this at all if it’s uncomfortable or anything, lovely!).

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

Biggest comfort celeb?

What did your favourite teacher teach? Doesn’t have to be your fave class.

What is your eye colour?

Do you prefer your hair long or short?

Do you usually paint your nails? If so, what’s your go to colour?

Do you think I should do the tips of my hair pink again?

What would you say your biggest talent is?

Have you ever been on a date?

May I take you on a date?

Are you still friends with your childhood best friend?

What was your favourite toy as a child?

What is your third favourite colour?

Do you have an MBTI personality type? If so, what is it? I’m an infp.

Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains?

Would you rather pink eyes or purple eyes?

If you could have any animal as a pet, what would you want as a pet?

Anyways, Ilysm! Hope your day gets better baba! 😘💖

1 - favorite Disney character is the Cheshire Cat. We're all mad here right? (Lowkey might change my blog to be Cheshire cat themed 🤔)

2 - Set it All Free from Sing slaps and you can't change my mind

3 - I guess this one really depends on the person I'm interacting with. So far, I've had more positive internet besties than irl friends. Literally all my friends rn except like 4 are internet friends

4 - Probably Poppy honestly, it's what most of my friends call me (aside from the 4 irls) and it's just kinda comfy ig

5 - Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland, and Robin Williams

6 - History! Also a surviving college course I had to take.

7 - sadly, they're brown

8 - Long, always have. It's almost past my lower back now I need to get it trimmed 😬😬

9 - I don't paint my nails because I have a nervous tick of biting them so I can't or I'll just eat the polish off

10 - y e s do it. I love dying my hair, I want to go get it done again but it's so expensive

11 - uhm I'm not entirely sure? Does being annoying count?

12 - I've been on a few dates, the most recent two. . . Ended in a disaster and me crying for days on end. I saw him today, he cut his hair. . . We made eye contact. . . I cried

12.5 - yes let's do it

13 - heh, no. Not a one of them. All three decided they're better off without me a long time ago. I haven't spoken to the one in at least six years, I kinda miss her

14 - i don't really recall having a favorite honestly

15 - Periwinkle

16 - I'm also an INFP

17 - the beach

18 - purple

19 - a lion 🦁🦁

[eve-is-obsessed]

april media roundup

ok I am back to writing these posts for posterity’s sake and I have OPINIONS. good god. I suffered this month with my media

books

I read the first six Series of Unfortunate Events books. they're so fun and good, I've been meaning to reread them for a while.

reread An Absolutely Remarkable Thing by Hank Green. this book is so addictive. I first read it about two years ago, so I'd forgotten some of the mystery parts and even the ones I still remembered landed really well. much higher reread value than I thought. 4.5/5 stars!

Be Gay, Do Comics is a queer comic anthology with a little bit of everything - history, autobiography, lots of different art styles. very inclusive, 3.5/5 stars

this might be a hot take but I read Kith and Kin, the Critical Role novel, and I didn't like it. I thought the plot was boring and dragged on, there weren't many cool lore insights, and the writing style was just meh. functional, but not amazing. the characters were really well done though, twins my beloved <3. 2.5/5 stars

for class I read Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde. it blew my mind, everyone should read this. 4/5 stars because I feel like the collection could have been organized better lol

I've been half-rereading Elantris to work on the Coppermind character lists. the politics are def more boring the second time through

music

I cannot stop listening to 8 and watch by Billie Eilish

extremely vibing with Mumford and Sons rn. their songs drive me insane /pos. specifically Ghosts That We Knew and Timshel

Blue Hippo by Maya Hawke

also Lizzy McAlpine’s new album five seconds flat

podcasts

staying up to date on Well Well Villanelle - they have amazing commentary on each episode of Killing Eve as well as talking about articles, bts, etc. lots of screaming, gay jokes, more screaming

Spilling Eve is another KE podcast. I don't like it quite as much but it's still very good and I've been listening from the beginning because I'm nostalgic. it's def less chaotic and also the eps are shorter

36 Questions is a podcast musical from like 2015. I'm 1/3 of the way through and it's pretty good. unique format + Jonathan Groff so you really can't go wrong

movies/shows

so Killing Eve ended. [screams for 20000 years] uh. I'm in mourning. that is all

I rewatched the first episode of the ASOUE netflix show. I watched it in French and the VAs are really good but the subtitles are not. anyway I love this show, the vibe is immaculate

started Fantasy High, good times were had. the second episode ending was WILD and I haven’t recovered from it yet lol

all right have a good day/ night everyone :)

[the-punk-innovator]

Hello I was wondering if maybe you could answer this? Some friends and I were talking about sukeban/bancho history and we loved how the sukeban/bancho look was but we weren't really sure if it's appropriation? Fashions fashion but at the same time a lot of fashion I've seen kind of crosses lines into appropriation so I wasn't sure if it's okay to do photoshoots with things like that, we talked about finding cosplay like that but we don't want to offend anyone

I actually had to look up sukeban/Bancho so I am probably not the right person to answer this 😂 I love those aesthetics, I'm glad I know the name of them now! I'll try to share my two cents though as a person with a degree in Women and Gender Studies. As a younger white person I was very confused what counted as cultural appropriation. I thought it meant something that was specifically culturally significant like don't wear native head dresses or ceremonial wear. With this logic I purchased a mandarin gown at age 16 after doing research on the history of where that look was relevant. I found no culture sacred significance to the dress and in fact found that it was popular in various Asian countries and had several names. At one point in 50s white American fashion it was popular to wear dresses with mandarin collars.

Then I wore that dress to school during finals as my way of saying goodbye in the best dress I owned. A POC girl in front of me in math class was surprised by what I was wearing since we were in class. She said she had her own cheongsam that she wore to formal family events and complimented mine. I told her I was wearing it because today was a special day and I wanted to wear my best clothes for the last week of school. I have never worn that dress since that day though. Something clicked in my head that no matter how much research I did as a white person, bought from the culture (I got the dress in Chinatown, SF on a trip), and got complimented by a young POC on the outfit that it still wasn't right for me to be wearing that dress Because I could NEVER as a white person understand what that dress meant.

For more casual Japanese street punk looks that are based on rebellion and very similar to our own counter culture aesthetic such as sukeban, I'm not sure that would count as cultural appropriation because you're right "fashion is fashion". Cosplay is for appreciating awesome looking stuff. I've just lost my faith in being able to tell as a white person if I can ever fully understand another culture's aesthetic and be comfortable wearing it. Lolita is different to me because it's based on the Rocco Era and Victorian fashion (two white fashion trends made awesome by a Japanese subculture). I've also heard POC say that culture is not meant to be trapped between four walls, it's meant to be free flowing and shared. I thought this was a beautiful idea but it doesn't mean suddenly it's okay to profit as white people from cultures or steal sacred looks. I think over the years we'll keep figuring out what we can share in fashion (which is why you're asking rn and I appreciate you trying to be careful) but for now I just keep in mind that I'll just never be able to understand a POC culture enough to justify wearing something that doesn't belong to me. I hope you try asking a fashion blog run by a Japanese person who is open to receiving questions on cultural appropriation (or find where someone has already answered that question) . If anyone has any resources on cultural appropriation And fashion please share in the comments. I still haven't found the right text or resource that covers all the bases on this subject. I hope we can all learn together and be good allies as white people to POC fashion subcultures.

[shiro-0197]

God no I'm sorry 😭😭😭 the way Tumblr eats all my drafts, and now your replies. (Someday I'm gonna eat Tumblr grrrr) that must've been so frustrating tho, I'm sorry love.

someday we could go to a country with Highlands together. It'll be super cold and nice. And the views would be really really pretty too!! WE COULD EVEN BE AMONGST THE CLOUDS >//< aww yes I hope you'll be able to try them soon in the future!! I died and had to stay in bed for an hour, (because my spice tolerance is nonexistent <3) but yeah I'm better now! Name is: "대박 ghost pepper noodles" the Korean word 대박 literally translates to "awesome" but— 😭😭

oh I see!! I hope school goes well, it's good that you're excused for a part of the day :D and aww I understand. Replying can be lengthy sometimes, so please please only do it when you're free and comfortable >:(( we're in no rush, after all :D

I was studying earlier too. and I texted my principal about the exams ( because apparently none of my teachers know anything about it, and I was so frustrated with everyone being so clueless ) she just replied with a : "hi Ariana, will let you know on Friday" like excuse me, ma'am. GRRRRR >:( STOP BEING CLUELESS.

awww that's okay!! I'm sure those prep slides were really pretty too :D aww that's sweet of you. some of my online friends sometimes sit in on my Leo events (if it's open to everyone) and it's pretty fun when they do (once, one of them had to talk for like, an activity and my club mates were like "SHE HAS AN ACCENT??". It was hilarious hehe) zoom is great for that reason, and only that. they're just ready-made slides tbh, I use canva :D

Shiro, love, you won't disappoint anyone, I promise you that. I'm sure your mom is more proud than you know, and from the way you talk about her, I can tell that she truly adores you. tho I also understand your worries. If you want to rant or anything, you know I'm here. And I'll just continuously reassure you of how amazing you are :)

that's my boy 🥺🥺 grr, you're so feisty, please imagine me holding a "you go, Shiro" sign everytime you tell someone to fuck themselves :D Laurent is indeed amazing. He's my favourite character for that exact reason >//< there's another character, from a book I read, just like that. His name was uhh, Kieran. And he knew so many different languages, and was just in general; super smart. I remember being so in love with him when I first read it (The title of the book is "genius")

HAHA. ikr. They're all hot, and most importantly; smart. nevermind, when I meet you someday we can cry over them together 😭🤚 pffft no offense, but being evil is hot sometimes 😾 (I mean, Kieran was evil. So's Moriarty :] and I am: a simp for them all)

aww bae that's okay 🥺🥺 your feelings are valid, and it's not wrong to express them whenever you feel like it. Grrr if I ever see your dad, he might be missing a limb >:( sorry, that was violent, but I get especially mad if anyone upsets someone i love )

exactly?? It's been a year?? Where's that blink meme where someone blinks and it's suddenly 2021. Oooh that sounds really nice!! Adding it on my list of things to try in March >.< Honey is really delicious. especially all those desserts which have a lot of them.

glad I made you laugh >////< grr my sense of humour is just so weird tho, so I'm glad you aren't freaked out by it.

KAJDKSJSKS SIR WAIT. There was an explanation for that u but I guess it got cut off in my notes 😾😾 IT WAS MEANT TO BE A Ü (smiley) but I was using my computer and I couldn't add the two dots above, so I typed "imagine the eyes" (but apparently that part got cut off and now it just looks like a random alphabet SKJSKSK IM SORRY 😭😭😭

I understand, the lack of opportunities can really get on one's nerves. But oh yes, Japan and Norway are beautiful countries. Apart from Japan, I've been really into Korea and Switzerland. The Alps 😻

grrr y'all have tough exteriors. But it's so rewarding when you finally get them down, tho I think, you guys have tons of other layers to yourselves. I guess that's just the charm, I find it endearing, because it just means there's a lot more than meets the eye :)

MY FRIEND MAKES FUN OF ME FOR LIKING PINK. HE TEASES ME MERCILESSLY SKSJSKSK (so I published a poem line in the school magazine to get back at him for it, because I'm petty like that)

that's so funny >.< There are two girls, and a girl and a guy, who share the exact same names in my class, and it's so funny because they're opposites of each other xD

he really is precious. The best leader, I would literally die for him, he's wonderful. yeah the book actually started out different, with them just being best friends. Best plot twist 😭😭 AWW

NOOO I'm sure it's cute, in it own way? :P tho that meme tho. LDJCJSBSKS. Don't worry, hehe, the character may be .... Unpleasant to look at?? , but you're not the least bit at all :)

how was your day btw? My day sucked ass and was literally the worst day in the history of uh, days. Yeah. sad. tomorrow will be better.

God, you're so adorable wtf. Marry me rn. AKDJSKSJS I didn't find it lame at all, (tho were you flustered? Because that was cute as hell xD) I love you too 🥺🥺

—☃️

It's okay, it's not your fault. We could storm the Tumblr building together or something..:3

Oh I really hope we can!!! I love cold weather. You can wear sweaters and hoodies and all that💞 and you have an excuse to cancel everything and cuddle up with a blanket or someone else😝

Im so glad you're better now!! Spice sickness or whatever is the worst😔 WBHDJWKX that's hilarious I hope I come across those soon! Let's see who wins😼

Yeah, about that, they started making us do after-class activities, which now leaves less time for the stuff I have to do .... which sucks . But I'm managing, I think, so it's cool xD yeah, I've always been kind of cautious about the timing, it's nice to have a little freedom now, thank you so much <3

Wow😭😭 our teachers usually have the dates set two weeks before the exams, we always recieve a message. Though I've been there, where the teacher have no clue, it's so annoying😭😭

Ohh, that's so cool! I hope I will be able to visit one someday. Though I dont think itll be too soon, but I'm looking forward to when I can😝 also that's funny, whenever I speak people go "he doesnt have an accent???" Even though I so obviously do. They just have no idea 😭

Okay..... that's the best words of encouragement I've ever received, I'm so touched- thank you🥺💘

Bwahah, that's gonna make my day every time 😭 Yeah, hes my favorite too!! He seems like a simple himbo at first, but the more we see of him the better he gets. (That sounds cool!!! I'm gonna check it out when I can!)

Thank you🥺 also, dont worry, I wouldn't mind that. I'd love that, actually, wanna go rip off guys arms together?

MZJXKGJJAKXKAKX IT'S ALRIGHT HAHAH, ITS REALLY FUNNY SO DONT WORRY😭😭

JSNFNMWMDMS IM GONNA MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR MAKING FUN OF YOU how could he . I will eat his eyeballs. Also I 100% agree with the poem and I'm glad you posted it. I hope some people thought about it.

Wow😭😭 its honestly so funny, because they're all so different and yet their names fit them so well either way.

Also, wow I feel so bad it's been almost a week since I responded😐 I'm really sorry. I've been writing snips of this message any time I could and yet it still took me days xD I'm getting free, though, so I'll try to respond faster now. I missed talking to you so much😭 thank you for your patience🤍🤍🤍

How've you been? I'm pretty good, tired but feeling good because I can finally respond😩 I hope your day went well. Love you!♡

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Amelia

Jac: So, you got your room 🙌 What other wins did freshers bring you? 😄 Amelia: Yeah, thank god Amelia: it's been full on enough without adding travel sickness Jac: Never going to fly when class starts either Jac: it's just slightly more inventive than coming down with the 'flu' every Monday morning, but not enough Amelia: bit intense to start crashing on my new friends floors too, I don't want to be THAT gay Jac: 😂 Jac: I doubt they'd mind Jac: but having a base that isn't totally covered in crochet decor is a plus Amelia: now that freshers is over and they're going to 🤞 they never see those hook ups again maybe Amelia: still, not the first impression I'm trying to make Jac: Oh God, tell me about it Jac: I am not trying to have people I've got to avoid for the next 7 odd years Jac: not trying to make it like home like that Amelia: very relatable Amelia: even though I have no need to count that high Jac: Is your course 3? or 4? Amelia: depends if I want to go to Canada, Denmark, Italy, Poland, Sweden, USA or the UK for a year Jac: Oh wow Jac: 🦪 Amelia: that emoji is the gayest Amelia: so yeah probably Jac: Very O'Keefe of you Jac: can't give up the 🎨 quite yet? Amelia: 😂 Jac: I've met THE perfect girl for you, oh my GOD Amelia: because I'm going to travel to Edinburgh for 🦪 after dodging a 3 hour commute Jac: She's American, you could convince her Cork has a lot to offer beside 🦪 Jac: but actually, she is UNBEARABLE, and I'm trying very hard to be nice and give everyone a chance rn Jac: she does Art History, despite the fact she seems to know less about art than I do Jac: doesn't stop her 🔊 Amelia: 💔 you put your mean girl years behind you too soon, I'm SO proud though Amelia: and I'm sure Savannah appreciates it just as much Jac: 😏 I can feel the sincerity Jac: I know though, talk about completely crazy Amelia: if you want sincerity I can totally believe she'd follow you there as if nothing happened Amelia: are you okay? Jac: I think the prestige probably beat the off-chance I'd also be there but I appreciate the belief Jac: Yeah, actually, I am Jac: it went well, better than I could've or would've imagined before Amelia: alright, that's a relief Amelia: not that it's been playing on my mind or anything since the ✨ livened up my feed Jac: I would've got in touch sooner Jac: It did cross my mind, that you'd see Jac: I also didn't wanna encroach on your freshers' experience at all, that idea won out Jac: It must've been a shock for you and all Amelia: I get it, because likewise obviously Amelia: plus you seemed like you were coping, and it's not the same as before, you have people to go to now if you aren't so Amelia: I don't know, it seemed too dramatic to come at you all !!!!!! Amelia: which is why I didn't Jac: I wouldn't have bitten your head off Jac: but I see and appreciate that logic Jac: not to mention previous experience would say I actually would so Jac: She's changed a lot too, in those 2 years Amelia: good Jac: Yeah, turns out she had a pretty rough time of it too Jac: which, obviously, but I wasn't really in a space to think too much about that back then Amelia: was likely to be more 🥀 than 🌹 living with her dad, and everything that happened with her mum Amelia: I'm not surprised even if I couldn't be very sympathetic then Jac: I can't believe I was zoned out Jac: I didn't even know about her mum Amelia: you had loads of your own shit going on, it'd be more unbelievable if you were tuned into hers Amelia: I didn't know how bad it was, or didn't want to hear it, whichever Jac: Jess made it sound like the world and his wife knew Jac: I feel awful Jac: but her mum is doing better now, and they're trying to mend their relationship, so, that's positive Amelia: it always feels like that in my 🏠 but I would've told you if I'd realised Jac: It isn't your fault remotely Jac: like you said, sympathy about it wasn't at the forefront of your mind Jac: and you can't be blamed there Amelia: I'm genuinely glad things are getting better, the last thing she needs is to feel like shit for leaving her mum again if they aren't Jac: I know you are, you aren't a monster Jac: even if you and Savannah had your differences, and the obvious situation from there 'til now Amelia: that's enough sincerity though, the last thing I need is Savannah Moore trying to be my friend again Amelia: you can keep her Jac: 😂 Alright Jac: about that though Jac: things have changed, between us too Amelia: okay Amelia: what does that mean? Jac: Well, I told her, this time Jac: that I'm not straight Jac: and neither is she Amelia: she really has fucking changed Jac: She hasn't also come out, there's no label on it or anything Jac: but she likes me back Jac: you deserve to know, and would, regardless of where we were in our relationship Jac: I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear though Amelia: thanks, I guess Amelia: for not waiting for the 💍 announcement Jac: Things haven't moved quite that fast Jac: although, yeah Jac: I know Amelia: It's still Savannah, I doubt she's had a TOTAL personality transplant Amelia: you probably wouldn't like her if she had Amelia: so I'll keep an eye out for that post and put my congrats on it Jac: No, she's still her Jac: and I doubt her plans include a 💍 that could be bought on a student budget Amelia: true Amelia: I'll send some 💐 she'd NEVER put in the 🗑 Amelia: just the 💌 I'll actually bother to write, you know, like a normal person Jac: There goes the mystery Amelia: because of course you wouldn't recognise my handwriting Jac: I've checked your homework over enough times Jac: I doubt anyone else is rushing to send us a bouquet so Jac: process of elimination Amelia: there you go then Jac: but I have told my brother and that Jac: on the off-chance you catch him and he's dying not to bring it up Amelia: bit rude of him not to try and gently break the news Jac: Assumedly either thinking I've imagined the whole thing all over, or it'll all fizzle out before there's any need to go there Amelia: or I'm thriving so hard there's no need to bring me down 1 week in Jac: Obviously that too Jac: but you know that wasn't my intention, yeah Amelia: it's obvious you're not thinking about me, don't worry Jac: Okay Jac: do you want me to leave you now? Amelia: Why would I want that? Jac: Plenty of valid reasons Jac: to process, to not, you just don't feel like talking to me at this precise moment Amelia: what's to process? the bit about her not queerbaiting you the entire time is new, the rest isn't Jac: That's not nothing Jac: it changes the whole thing Amelia: not for me Jac: Alright then Amelia: you were hung up on her every second, what's changed for you is that was a least a bit mutual Amelia: I don't need to process any of that, it doesn't involve me Jac: It's still new information, that's all Amelia: not really Amelia: I probably should have guessed anyway Jac: If I didn't, I don't see how you could've Jac: she didn't even then so Amelia: too late to become a 🔮💎💫 gay, I hear you Jac: 🕵 is definitely a better idea Amelia: maybe I'd just really love to be able to say 'it's just a phase, mum' about something Jac: You've had plenty Amelia: name one Jac: [that boy band I said they liked lol] Jac: for starters Amelia: that wasn't a phase that was me lying that I cared Jac: yeah, okay Jac: you knew all the lyrics 'cos you cover was so deep Jac: no need to lie, they had some tunes Amelia: I knew all the lyrics because there was about 5 lines repeated over and over Jac: uh-huh Jac: you had badges all over your school bag Amelia: because you've never fully committed to a lie, oh wait Jac: There's no need to be a bitch Amelia: 😂 Jac: No, I'm not super ready to laugh about that time in my life, as it goes Amelia: okay Jac: I'm going to leave you to it now Jac: Good luck with your first proper day, hope it all goes well Amelia: actually wait though Amelia: I didn't mean that Amelia: I'm sorry Jac: Alright Jac: I know you're upset, or pissed off Jac: but being a better person doesn't extend to being a punching bag for you to get that out Jac: you can feel it, obviously, but that's just unproductive for you, and not gonna happen from my end Amelia: I know Jac: and I know that's what I did to you Jac: so it probably seems fair, or justified at least, that you get to now Jac: but it wasn't right, and an eye for an eye, you know Amelia: no, it's not fair, I wasn't being, that's why I'm sorry Jac: You don't need to stoop to my lowest Amelia: I'm trying, okay Jac: Yeah Jac: and I accept your apology Amelia: thanks Jac: should I not have told you? Amelia: I think that'd be worse Jac: I thought the same Jac: unless you were going to block me on the sly, then you would have seen Amelia: maybe I should now, I don't know Jac: If you want to Jac: to take some time Jac: or more permanently Jac: it's up to you Jac: obviously my offer of being friends still stands but I understand Jac: as I said, this changes things Amelia: yeah, if we let it Jac: You can't help how this makes you feel Amelia: but why should I let her take everything again? Jac: Savannah isn't actively doing that Jac: but if you want to keep trying, so do I Amelia: we worked hard at getting here, me and you, that's not about her Jac: True Jac: You don't have to be friends with her now, that's not it Jac: just accept that she's my girlfriend, and a big part of my life Amelia: does she know? Jac: About what happened between us? Jac: No Jac: she doesn't know a huge amount about those two years, for me Jac: I plan to tell her everything Jac: but it's a lot to throw at her in a sitting, especially unasked, you know Amelia: it'd really fuck with her freshers, for sure Jac: Right Jac: all for having the hard but necessary conversations Jac: but there's a time and a place Jac: I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to make her feel bad for me, either Jac: like 'look what YOU did' because nah Amelia: too 🥀🥀🥀 Amelia: it can wait, neither of you are going anywhere Jac: That's my logic Amelia: she'll get why you waited Jac: I hope so Amelia: come on, it'll be harder for you to say than it'll be for her to hear, she's a LOT of things, but she won't want you to go through that before you're ready to Jac: You're right Jac: it just feels like secrets, and that feels like 10 steps back Jac: but it isn't that Amelia: I'm sure even she hasn't had time to tell you everything, she'd need to be chatting non stop Jac: True Jac: if you're ever done talking about yourself and your life, that's gotta be a sign you need to get out more, right Jac: there's always more to say Amelia: right Amelia: stop being so virgo-ish about it and give yourself a break Jac: 😂 okay Jac: I just need lectures to actually start Jac: so I can freak out on that instead Amelia: same Jac: are you more 😁 or 😱 Amelia: 😕 Amelia: over 😣 Jac: You'll be fine Jac: let me know how it goes though Jac: I'm interested Amelia: okay 🤓 Jac: Well there's a lot of overlap Jac: obviously, you can usually do them as a double discipline but I wanted to go pure Psych Jac: doesn't mean I'm not 🤔 Amelia: yeah Jac: 🤏🤓 fine Amelia: we're not strangers Jac: I remember Jac: so, what are your new mates like then? Amelia: great, obviously Jac: It's a good thing you aren't taking English Jac: that description leaves a lot to be desired Amelia: what do you want me to say? Jac: Isn't there anyone in particular? Amelia: there's a whole course full of people Jac: Yeah, I like one of my profs, he's really cool Jac: but I don't know anyone on my course that well yet either, they all seem nice enough though Amelia: of course you do Jac: it's so refreshing in comparison to the teachers at our school Jac: even if he acted like a base level human, it'd be a step up Jac: but he knows his stuff, and he's down to help me get ahead, what more could I want Amelia: literally nothing Jac: But I'm still not into dudes so I won't commit that cliche, don't worry Amelia: a real weight off my mind Jac: sure Amelia: 😏 Jac: I've already done loads of prep Jac: can basically chill in his class this whole term Amelia: you can but you won't Amelia: 🤓🏆⭐ Jac: we're not strangers Amelia: maybe we are 🤏 because reading's the only prep we were given but I've already done it Jac: Not really Jac: you just pretended you weren't 🤓 Amelia: no, I just actually wasn't 🤓 about school Jac: plenty of other things Jac: you can't hide the 🤓 Amelia: it's not 😳 I literally can Jac: not from me Amelia: that'd be 10 steps back Jac: try 10000 Amelia: no thank you, that sounds exhausting Jac: you've got a 🛏 Amelia: yeah, I don't know who's more thrilled, me or my dad Amelia: getting to pretend he's allergic to pets for another year at least Jac: result Jac: won't have to fake seduce him on your behalf either Jac: I'm most thrilled Amelia: Savannah is Amelia: undoubtedly Jac: Yeah, that ain't something I ever want to explain 😂 Amelia: she'd be less understanding about it Jac: None of us are understanding that Jac: sorry to your father Amelia: 😂 Jac: I think your mum would snap Jac: go full psycho Amelia: probably Amelia: they're very 😍🥰😘 right now Jac: that's nice Jac: bit gross but good Jac: she won't call you every 10 minutes Amelia: she can try but I won't answer Amelia: the friend I like best will be here soon Jac: Sounds promising Jac: I'll leave you to it for now, for real Jac: you better get ready Amelia: you're so Amelia: you Jac: what does that mean? Amelia: I don't need ���👠💄 Jac: what's that, a humblebrag? Amelia: hardly Amelia: it's a compliment for you, you're cute for caring Jac: It's not cute, I just like to look nice Amelia: oh so you don't think I look nice? Amelia: rude Jac: everyone looks better for effort Jac: that's simple facts Amelia: anyway, I meant it's cute you care about my social life this much Jac: because I really need you being a loner to worry about Jac: no tah Jac: obviously I'm happy for you Amelia: you don't need to worry about me whatever happens Jac: It's not optional Amelia: okay Jac: I never stopped Amelia: you can stop now Jac: That's just what being friends is Amelia: I'm no expert Amelia: have to take your word for it, if anything Jac: I know you care about me too Amelia: but you're thriving so I don't have to worry Jac: I guess Jac: it's not just for the bad times though, is it Amelia: I hope not Jac: it's not Jac: come on Jac: pull yourself together and at least do 1 out of 3 👗👠💄 Amelia: fine, I'll put shoes on Jac: that's what I like to hear Amelia: 🙄 just because I'm ignoring my mum there's no need for you to take over from her Jac: I still can't do any handicrafts so unlikely Amelia: Savannah is unlikely to wear a homemade 🧣 so I think you're fine Jac: she loves anything thoughtful but I ain't gonna start there still Amelia: 💐 Jac: Naturally Jac: both our rooms look like a florist already Jac: makes up for the shabby walls and carpet you can't do much about Amelia: any time you'd like to fully lean into the 👵 I'll do you an embroidery hoop or something Amelia: very chic Jac: they do sell a lot of that sort of thing in the charity shops Jac: I'm sure your 🎨 will be better than whatever the actual 👵 decided to do 🖼 Amelia: SUCH a compliment, I have no idea how I'm not 😳 Jac: Charity shops are in Jac: I'm not going to call it thrifting, I'm not even half-American, wouldn't be able to take myself seriously Amelia: good, please don't Jac: vintage, upcycling, all acceptable Amelia: for my mother Amelia: I'll take how 'modern' my room here is Jac: I suppose that does make a change Jac: I love the buildings though, the architecture Amelia: 🎨 Amelia: yeah, would be inspiring if I had any time Jac: Is Cork by the coast? Jac: I know nothing about that area Jac: I'm like NEXT to the beach, it's incredible Amelia: it's one of the largest natural harbours in the world, if that doesn't make you want to come and visit me, well ?? Amelia: it has it's own lovely architecture Jac: You should work for the tourism board, honestly Jac: good speech, that Amelia: 🤷🏻 Amelia: I'm here for the 🤓 and you're already interested in that Jac: I'd go to Italy, if I were you Jac: but then, Denmark might have the most interesting criminal practices and laws, so that's a good choice too Amelia: you'll visit me there then, yeah? Jac: I forgot about Sweden, but those three are the real ones to consider Jac: and we can sort visiting when we're even a bit settled Amelia: okay Jac: we've only just left Amelia: thanks for that obvious reminder Jac: 😏 Jac: you know what I mean Jac: give me a chance to get my diary in order before you're saying I'm avoiding you or whatever Amelia: give you a chance to miss me, you mean Amelia: you've got one right now, because I have to go get ready Jac: Oh, if we had to wait for that, you'd never see me again 😉 Jac: have fun 👠👠 Amelia: 💔 Amelia: bye

[thesalvationofdoriangray]

True Self

I've realized for the longest of time, I've portrayed an image that's not really me. It is utterly exhausting and it gives me social anxiety. A defense mechanism in projecting what I think I should be rather than what I truly am. Especially in social settings. I could give a dozen of reasons why I do this. Could it be that I had to hide who I was from my parents or I would be shamed? Was it the bad people in the drug world? I was constantly living in paranoia and fear. Was it because for all those years I used, I was running away from myself? Is it because I'm scared of people knowing how damaged I truly am and once I am no longer able to main this facade, my whole world comes crashing down and I disappear? I don't think it even matters. People don't give a shit and it dosen't help me much analyzing. Whatever happened, I learned how to pretend for years and after being dissociated from myself for that long I begin to wonder who I really am. Now that I am sober I am forced to face years and years of emotion. It wasn't recently that I finally was able to look in the mirror and accept things for what they truly are. I was pretty happy with my progress when I worked for Amazon. I always compared myself because that's what I was taught. I was in that life for 12 years. I overdosed twice, been robbed 4 times, SWAT team came to my house, and went psychotic in and out of hospitals. I did 20 months in rehab, accepted God, and climbed my way from delivery to dispatch and made a great salary. Now that I look back I see I have potential and I'm damn proud of what I accomplished even though I still failed. I went through the valley of the shadow of the death to get there and I'm done comparing myself. Everyone has a different destiny. If pre-election is true then I must ask myself, why did God choose me? He must see something valuable in me. The awful truth is I am now behind but the truth will set me free. This is not the life I envisioned as a kid when the world was at my fingertips. Even if an amazing woman came along, I would not share this with her. She deserves better and so do I. I've seen some of my friends just settle with whomever but I refuse to use any girl. I'll never forget how my ex made me feel when she disposed me like an object when I was 26.

I must digilently grind for the next few years to become the man God wants me to be. I accept things for what they are now and it's time to heal my true self. This doesn't mean getting buff, dressing nice, looking organized, being charming, sounding smart, showing talent, acting overly religious, being funny or the center of attention and etc. These are superficial and skin deep. I'm talking about open heart surgery on the damaged soul.

First I'll start off by loving myself as a human being, not human doing. The world evaluates one's worth by what they've achieved but that's not how God sees me. I for one genuinely love all people. I don't care what color, social status, religion, or male/female. I want to connect with everyone on a deeper level. I literally feel like it's my job to uplift people because I myself have suffered so much. I am caring, encouraging, sacrificing, empathetic, passionate, charismatic, comedic, creative, adventurous, loyal, and naturally a positive person. I have some leadership skills. I am athletic. I am expressive. I am a writer. I am poetic. I am philosophical and have spiritual insight. I have some musical talent. I can be very interpersonal and build quick connections. I am definitely romantic but only the girls can vouch for this one 😀.

Next is the human doing part. We are the only creatures on earth that need purpose. The soul cannot be fulfilled without one. It is important to have purpose on many levels. Obviously for a Christian it's to advance the kingdom but one must contribute to society as well. I can't be doing labor work for the rest of my life and I refuse to sit in front of a computer screen. There's only one ultimatum left. Nursing! I'm going back to school. For years and years I've ran from my dream of becoming a nurse. I was in block 2 of the RN program and quit not because of grades but my addiction. Nursing is perfect for me and utilizes all of my good character traits. It is also the perfect hybrid between working on your feet, using your mind, and human interaction. It is also damn interesting to me. Human pathophysiology, microbiology, and human anatomy and physiology were some of the most interesting classes I've ever taken. If I become a nurse, I can specialize later on as an addiction nurse. I can then use my addiction experiences to help others.

My Father in Heaven,

Why did you choose me before I was born with my whole life written inside a book? Why is it that in my depression, I beg for death and it never happens? What kind of plan do you have for me? I'm tired of self hating. Satan has convinced me for too long that I am a piece of shit but those are all lies. Life is short and wonderful. Time is so precious. I'm sick of this paralyzing depression where I can spend up to a week in bed in the dark.

Lord, what is it that you cannot do? Countless times in history we see your sovereignty at work. We see miracles. We see your love, mercy, and grace. I'm not asking you to take away this pain because this is what's going to mold me into the person I'm meant to be. I'm asking for wisdom, insight, and direction. I'm asking for strength and energy to stay focused. I'm asking for healing of my mind, body, and soul.

In the precious name of Christ, Amen

[palebluelovepages]

so.....i’m having a Rough Time™

i can't stop thinking about her and i don't know what’s gotten into me?? i’ve been worrying so much my stomach hurts!!! there’s so much going on rn and all this talk about signing up for classes for next year has gotten me so anxious!! i’m gonna be taking ap english and idk if i’m ready for College Level work??? but my english teacher has so much faith in me so i’m like :’’)) i don’t wanna let you down i can do that!!!!!! but on the inside i am in a state of panic!!!!! and i’m gonna be taking honors chemistry and us history and i hear the history teacher is v strict??? and chem has math and we all know that your girl palebluelovepages can’t do the...m a t h. 

also my friend wants to take ap history and ap english??? and i’m losing faith in myself every second because!!!! wow!!! i feel so stupid!!? but just a few days ago i got an email and they want me to be in the national honors society???? um wOW???? 

and OH MY GOD i wish i could stop procrastinating because i have 3 math assignments to do but GUESS WHO JUST SITS THERE AND SILENTLY PANICS INSTEAD OF DOING IT!!!! ME!!!!! whY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF????? 

alsO in other news there are 54 more days until blue turns 40 aka the day where i bury myself in a whole and cry!!!! i’ve just been thinking about that at 2am don’t mind me!! i swear you guys who only have like a 15 year age gap..wow! lucky! appreciate that!!!!!! meanwhile, future palebluelovepages over here at 50 years old lookin through the newspaper and what’s that? o! the woman she loved in high school is dead *cue the war flashbacks*

it’s not that i’m not excited for her b day, i am, but!!! also...kinda wanna cry

i feel like i am.............slowly going insane and idk if i’m gonna go to school today because i am in pain both emotionally and physically!! all my assignments and stuff are due tomorrow anyways and i’ve only missed like 2 days of school so far...i need.....a break. and a nap.  

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

This COVID

Unfortunately, the nurses and doctors are the ultimate victims and the worst part of the disease is their PTSD.

They, like most military, police, firefighters and EMT, sign up to risk their lives to HELP and SAVE others.

And they can't. This disease isn't intended to but is a by-product or side effect to cause them their own destruction of self, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

We have a website set up for them for their mental health -- it wasn't active.. Tree just activated it for y'all.

I apologize for that. So many people are calling them heroes and trying to lift their spirits and it is hard for them.

Like y'all...

Picture this...

Standing in a mass grave, trying to find a body still alive you can save... Help.. A mass grave... So I'm talking hundreds of dead bodies and then y'all be all parade and smile and have fun.

They're too busy trying to find a way to help. Trying to find that one breath from a body in that mass of bodies piled knee high.

They look up "oh them jets..." Same time that happens more bodies are being thrown down in that mass grave So they waist high...

By then them Jets have left just a cloud of memory

It doesn't help... Then they chest high with dead bodies... And they're getting buried alive trying to find a way to help.

Do you see what I'm saying? Can you feel that?!

Then they like man I gotta get outta here before I die myself, being buried alive....

Then who can help them? Is there someone strong enough to pull them out, to SEE THEM before the bodies are piled over their heads??

Doctors and nurses have committed suicide. Because they can't handle it.

Because what has happened... Is this is like a reverse WWII... Hospitals are now Nazi Concentration Camps. And the nurses and doctors are the Nazi just watching every one die.

(Note this is an EXAMPLE for the mind to grasp understanding -- i am not stating the doctor nor nurse ARE Nazi. I am merely making a reference to WWII and gas chambers and so on so people can get the visual understanding of the power of COVID and the pain of people that are opposed to Nazi. When she said "This is Real" it is where my mind went -- to the Holocaust which i know a lot about. I studied it on my own many times in my life. To understand how one person could take over the world. I did. In high school, my Oklahoma History teacher even took away my books because i would ask way too many questions about killing of Native Americans and i would say "but how--" and she said that i had a problem with focusing on the wrong thing and i said "but its happening in our world today!! Politicians and Governments!!" She took away the stack of books i had checked out on WWII and took them to the library and i followed her like pulling her jacket and shirt to stop her. She told the librarian I wasn't allowed to check out anymore books like that because I was a teenager and had unhealthy worries in the world. I burst into tears. "Obviously i have to save the world Because of people like you who won't take it seriously!! You're a Hitler yourself!! And you! I'll talk to you tomorrow!!" I spat to the teacher then librarian. And took off to my last class of the day. The Librarian know who i was and how i had spent hours in the library everyday during lunch and had told her how i said i wanted to compare WWII to the way Native American were treated in Oklahoma. And she printed a list of all the different kinds of books i checked out. Including kindergarten picture books for my own enjoyment. And the teacher apologized. She asked if i wanted to apologize to her for calling her Hitler. I said "not yet" eventually I did. In front of the entire class with an entire one and one eighth of a page of written materials comparing and contrasting her to Hitler and people we read about. I said "in conclusion, she may been an Army woman helping people make long disateraous of what they call walks. Of what i call pilgrimages, across many of what we now know are states, but not to be in charge but to be a comforting vessel during maritime war. A war that was unnecessary on water as it was on land and that is my meaning of using water words instead of land Because indeed i think she is a person we can trust but she may also be one of those people to set off a cannon to a far away ship until she finds out the truth of who is in it. But she certainly isn't a Hitler or someone that would order Native Americans to do the undeeded... She would be one of those to walk aside all Native Americans, help pass out blankets and medication. And so as she has apologized to me for firing up that cannon while I was away at sea to do ky research of course, i shall apologize to her for being upset she did and calling her the worst name possible. Which wasn't bitch. Nor ass hole." 10th grade, y'all.)

It is the worst possible place for a nurse or Doctor that signed up to be a comfort and to SAVE lives to be. The worst possible place.

And i can't help them... There is on the now activated website -- there is a place where they can request military services to come in and relief our nurses and others on the front lines, including police.

You just merely request how many and of what capabilities you need. So if you need just CNA (our hugest amount) or RN or PA or DR or so on and so forth.

They have their own pay scale thus allowing the people being substituted for to receive a special type of paid leave. The military can stay in one place at one time up to 9 weeks.

So also a rotation of 9 weeks on. 9 weeks off.

I apologize i thought it was already set up and available for all. But apparently things wanted to be done differently to try it and see how it works.

Now first is HOSPITALS. Basically if your name has the word Hospital in it. Then you're available. BUT you must have an EMERGENCY ROOM (ER) to qualify.

Now systems... Like Lovelace in Albuquerque has like 4 or 5 ER departments. So they go to the MAIN hospital first Then two weeks after rotate in at say the Heart Hospital then after two weeks the Woman's Hospital then a smaller so on and so forth.

Presbyterian, would begin at MAIN then go to Kirkland then so on and so forth.

This way if someone doesn't want to be treated by military. They have options of seeing regular doctors at the main stem branches.

Also it doesn't have to be a 100% but it can be a 25% so 25% of people take off for 9 weeks. Then another 25% take off for 9 weeks. And so on... So you'd have use of the military for 36 weeks.

It is a charity service.

I recommend that y'all cut hours. So a 40 hour nurse goes go 20 hours -- but stays at full time pay and benefits.

As part of our program, the healthcare and other workers MUST remain fully paid while taking time off. Otherwise we cannot assist.

It is for their hearts, their souls and their tears that we supply such a charity. Thus we cannot create more tears, more heartache nor more stress for these people.

So when making plans, hospital executives, please do keep that in mind.

Also for hospitals that refuse to relieve their workers, we have a system set up so that a nurse/doctor/etc can find a suitable replacement of higher quality according to paper. Similar but more advanced to the system that is used to place substitute teachers to teach hundreds school children per one jr high or high school day. And if the hospital rejects the substitute, then we have a system set up to sue the hospital on behalf of the staff. This system is only provided when a main hotspot refuses help.

Such as NYC. However NY has accepted thousands of National Guard already and Idk what exactly is occurring there but we have many side hospitals set up there.

So this is Never Before Seen shit since the Native American's Massacres (that's why i kept getting in trouble in Oklahoma History... The word Massacre.. Dude... I wasn't gonna pretend it didn't happen, Land O´ Lakes, where's our Indian Lady? The farmers didn't kill her, you did. -.-) and definitely not seen while we had this great amount of technology available to all.

So never before seen shit is gonna occur. I'm like yeah this is what will work professionally. And if they can't come up with something better and reject me, then I'll sue and ill win because they don't care and we got documented workers all over social media crying their eyes out.

She is the first African American I've posted but I've posted at least 4. Crying nurses. And i skip over a lot. I keep scrolling past a lot. I scroll past more than Y'all know that i Don't mention.

But her... She made me want to cry just like all the others. And Just like the others, i had dry eyes. Because we worked and worked and worked till we were all bawling our eyes out, taking heart medicine, whether like mine or just for heart burn. Even the little kids. I can't cry anymore. We made the solution for what and when the emergency pandemic would occur.

Hospitals have lost people due to suicide.

It is now time for me to step in. Or we will not have a doctor or nurse that is both alive and recognizable, they will be destroyed -- inside out -- starting with their hearts of mind.

I have had PTSD due to death of a stranger. I was only 18. And i hated myself for over 10 years.

So im gonna break out one day and call you all stupid for attempting to heal evil.

Because that was what I needed. And no one ever told me. And i got back lash. And i know that every single nurse and doctor that was working as hard as they could -- they needed to vent and hate. And i could be that person.

I smiled. I checked in. "Do they still hate me?" Yes "Good"

I know it helps a heart be healthy to have a place to throw hate. And i knew i would be safe from harm. While hate was thrown at me.

Then i took away me as that object of hate. And still healthcare workers are suffering and they're killing themselves. (They'll get to heaven if they deserve. A nice little break for them. Then they will come back when our other dead does. If they are deserving, if Earth is where they Belong. Otherwise they went directly where they Belong for Eternity)

So a quick fix band aid isn't it. It is as far as we predicted - a reverse WWII.

the sick going in... And causing innocent pain.

Instead of the innocent going in and dying by the professional purposely killing them.

This is the complete opposite.

Jack told me "quit hating on these nurses and doctors!"

Because i would scroll past and say "these fucking nurses. Dam it"

I'm not hating them. I'm hating their situation. I'm hating their inability to cope. Their inability to cope is because their inability to cope is due to their deep humanity... It is a character flaw. It is a curse and a blessing. It is the deepest and most difficult of work to breech that muddy waters, dig deep and find a bridge to drag up and build, there is one there in their souls.. But it is buried deep under much chocolate and flowers and all things good...

Unfortunately while being buried under dead bodies its nearly impossible to fix that bridge. Find that way to overcome the desperation, the HORROR their job has become

Even taking a break can sometimes not help... Sometimes it doesn't. But we include self care and encouraging messages from our military teams that substitute while the people take their time off.

Military are far more apt to be able to deal with dead. Military teams sign up knowing they must kill at certain times. They have a different view of death. They accept it and understand it.

A nurse or Doctor they fight it, that is their job. That is their souls and every hope they have in the world is to save lives.

Military, their job, is to make the world better.

Right now, military is just a better fit.

It's different types of brains. It is just different.

And I am sorry. And unfortunately I do know. I have killed a lot of people by hand, kidnappers caught in the act. I killed Pablo Escobar. Then I got amnesia. And I loaned my friend $500 to bail her boyfriend out of jail. It ended up in a suicide of someone he ratted on. I never got over that. It took a very long time. He was a criminal, yes. But I just never got over that loss of life. If I had never bailed him out... That one guy would still be alive.

So I am very sensitive and very understanding of these healthcare crying and not handling their jobs and killing themselves.

I fully understand it. So yes I will sue on behalf of staff that cannot get relief. I will fight and punch until those hospital executives come up black and blue saying "ok im sorry im sorry we can have substitutes and pay full prices for our staff to stay home and rest"

I may have forgot myself... Prior to age 15... But I remember since then. I know how I have suffered and why.

So I am extremely complex to know and understand.

It doesn't matter if you understand or trust me.

You must care and take a leap of FAITH and not one of suicidal consequences, hospital executives.

Because I understand being buried under dead bodies that I feel responsible for. Hating myself. For something that was never my fault and something I did to be nice. Naïve. I fully understand.

And its revolting, now looking back all I put myself through.

And I swore one day... I swore and I swore. I promised myself. One day im gonna use this all for good. That I can forgive myself.

I already did. I realized I'm not the one that needed to be forgiven. And I'm okay. I'm doing great.

But I remember and I will never forget those sleepless nights... The intense fear I had of myself and of doing anything for any reason. I was terrified. What if I go to the store and I effect someone?

What if I get in a car wreck and hurt some one?

I was terrified. Had I not healed thanks to JJFU. Some one I knew and trusted making guns and I said to him everyday for weeks "how can you make guns knowing someone could be hurt? Don't you think you will feel responsible if someone wrote to you and said a kid was killed with one of your guns? An innocent child playing by accident?"

He said "let me get back to you"

And one day he simply said "i can't control what other people do. If they don't lock up their guns or weapons and ammunition seperate. I can't control what a kid does. I hope no one ever gets hurt wrongly and unjustifiable with a gun i produce and make by hand. But, Sabrina, i can not control what other people do. And it isn't my fault what happens after the guns leave my hands and enter another's"

And this air i had been holding in since I was 18 years old just went out of my chest. And i started crying. And crying and i cried for days.

And he said "why are you keep crying? Who are you crying for?"

And I said "i am crying for ME"

"But why?! What did you do to someone so bad?!"

"Cause I hated myself for something I couldn't control.I hated ME. I refused to Love Me. I refused to Trust ME. And now I can cry for me because of what I Lost because I was an ignorant fool, to care too much beyond my control."

3 years later my friend was murdered. I could had prevented that, too. But I didn't get PTSD. Instead i chose to love him and be proud of him. And love us both for doing what was best for us.

I have both the obituary of David Galloway and Justin hanging in my kitchen. One gave me PTSD. One could have. I look at them both. And I say "I love me. But I can love you two and you can love me because I never wanted either one of you to be hurt"

Or I'll walk by "I can imagine you two are fine where you are today. Sorry I'm busy. But I hope you're happy and okay"

One is Zulululu and one is Human. The Zulululu, I got PTSD. He was a selfish drug addict that killed himself leaving behind two kids and a wife just because he didn't want to go to jail. The other was murdered and the last time I saw him, he asked to live with me. The latter should caused my PTSD. HE DESERVED MY PTSD.

But I didn't.

So military is better equipped to handle what is occurring in hospitals. Nurses do need time off even if the military does just set up new temporary hospital

Healthcare workers NEED treatment for what they have seen and gone through.

And I will fight for every single one to get the help they deserve and the time off they need.

Because I know they deserve it. I know they need It. I know how dangerous it is to overlook a simple day in the life of what they have had in the last few weeks.

Throwing them parties. Its kind, and it's sweet.

But it doesn't help anything, it doesn't help anything when the anguish and the PTSD has already set in. Sometimes it makes it worse..

So yeah I get pissed off they're not being helped and it comes out wrong.

So now its time to do it right.

This nurse asks y'all to stay home.

So y'all tell her you will if you will, tell her you can't because you got to go to work and you tell her where (like Gas Station, not the whole address) and y'all be responsible for you and your actions..

We can't control the world. But we can work together to make it better.... Right...?

I think so.

Or we're all gonna die trying.